“And the seasons, they go round and round
and the painted ponies go up and down, we’re
captive on the carousel of time. We can’t return
we can only look behind from where we came
and go round and round and round in the circle
One of my favorite songs, my favorite artists
Joni Mitchell and the song Circle Game.
September 17th has many meanings to me and new one’s like
Steph’s anniversary are revealed. I am always going
round and round on this day. My Mom has been gone
since I was 25 and I am roaring towards 55 myself.
Almost 30 years, I cannot sometimes believe it, it can’t
have been that long. The Mom my son never knew.
The Mom who fades away with each passing year.
I can hear her words in my head and see her in pictures
but seeing her alive gets harder all the time.
Here she is as a little girl, probably about three.
She lived through her Father dying when
she was eight and the Great Depression.
She lived through and with a Mother
who struggled each day to take care
of three kids. She lived through her sister’s death
from leukemia at 22. She never gave up, she
never gave in and even when cancer took
her strength away, she tried to smile every
day and she still told me what for and what to do.
I learned many lessons about Motherhood from
her and that people aren’t perfect, we are human
and each day is a gift so use it wisely. I am her and
not her. I look like her, have freckles, am stubborn,
believe that no matter what truth and honesty are the most
important things we need to survive in this world,
and that if we live our lives with integrity, we will
pass on good things to the world. But we are
different women. As smart as she was (she worked on
Enigma during WWII), she would never have dared to
put herself out there the way woman are doing today.
I think the restraints of convention kept her in check
and I have often wondered who she would be now,
in her fifties today.
She was a fabulous dresser and one of those
folks who matched everything. From the hat,
to the gloves, to the shoes, she put it all together
with flair. (I am not that woman, and that’s okay by me.)
She never really understood the little girl who would
rather play in the mud than wear the frills so I guess
in that way I disappointed her. Hopefully she is in
touch wherever she is now and sees that I am happy,
and that who I am is okay.
So the seasons they go round and I had lots to celebrate
on her day, so I shall celebrate each day and try to keep
the fleeting nature of life in mind, hate to miss something.
This is what showed up.
This is her gift.